Waves
I was 23 years old when my first daughter was born. I often feel like that was too early to start treading the waters of motherhood. I didn't think like that at the time and decided to dive head first in the ocean of motherhood.
When I first held Bella in my arms, while I cried and screamed "I did it", her smell suddenly became my favorite. In a second, my entire existence changed and I felt a love so intense that seemed to fill my entire body.
Being a mom was everything. I loved it. In the first few weeks, every morning felt like Christmas. I know I was lucky. I had really easy post partums.
3 years later Lucas came and Mel was born 2 years after him. We finally decided to close this chapter when little Liz was born, 2 years and 9 months after Mel.
10 years pregnant or breastfeeding. It was intense and, at times, I felt like I was drowning. That beautiful ocean suddenly didn't look so calm and clear anymore. Sometimes I felt like I needed to come up for air, but didn't even know which way the surface was. I felt lost and confused.
Motherhood to me has symbolized a rebirth in many ways. It has allowed me to reconnect with my inner child and reparent her in some ways. It has allowed me to see the world through different eyes and unlearn things I thought were right for me. It has made me pause and think why I act the way I do. It has broken me into pieces and allowed me to heal.
Now that my youngest is 3 and a half I feel like I have reached the shore. I still play in the ocean, I still get slammed by waves every now and again, but I am learning to swim. I am learning to surrender and I am learning to float.
Motherhood is wonderful and it's hard. It's wonderfully hard sometimes. But it is worth it.
It is helping me come home to myself again.
